(Eugene’s note: The original article (Korean) can be found at http://theonion.egloos.com/4537590.)
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When you get upset, let them know about it immediately. Do not think it is a shame. Elaborate on the explanation even when it feels childish. The following structure is suggested for greater efficiency:
- Begin with the fact that you are upset.
- Choose and let them know one of the following: 1) You want them to sit besides you and listen to you why you are upset, 2) you want them to calm you down and comfort you, or 3) you want them to leave you alone.
- Explain why you are upset, and explain what they can do in order to resolve your upset state.
- (Optional) If you want them to change their behavior, let them know about the desired change as well.
This might seem long, but it may as well be done within 30 seconds: “I am upset because you seemed to ignore my mood. I had an unpleasant event and wanted to be with you, but you went out with friends. So I don’t want to talk to you now, and I want you to come up with a way to comfort me in an hour. Also, I want you to put me on a higher priority when I tell you I’m feeling bad.”
It is a bad idea to expect them to figure out that you are upset. It does not work to start ignoring them without first saying that you are upset. Telling them the fact but not the reason you are upset does not help either. Do not think they would somehow figure it out just because they love you. Most of all, the worst thing to say is “How could you
<insert an act here> , if you love me?”, and the next worst thing is “Don’t you even know what you’ve done wrong?”, because, how could they figure out why when you don’t tell them? Swallow it up and think as if you are living with and teaching an alien about the life on earth. They will readily accept what you tell them; just make sure you explain it well. -
When they say “I think you’re wrong there,” it is not so different from “This dress is red” or “The sky is blue”—they are not implying that you are stupid or anything, but they are simply pointing out something they believe is incorrect. Do not take it as a personal attack. If you want them to side with you no matter what, ask them to do so before you tell them a story; something like “I’m gonna tell you about an argument I had today with a friend, and I want you to side with me, at least for now, even when you think I overreacted or anything” would suffice. Also you could set a rule with them, e.g. they should never correct you in front of other people.
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Some people are long-legged; some are not. Some people long for interpersonal relationship and some do not. No matter how much they like or love someone, engineers tend to have a lower “interpersonal inclination index,” and they may find phone calls or text messages bothersome at times. It’s not because they don’t love you, but because they want to focus on their work. A lot of engineers need to explicitly switch from the normal “work mode” to an exceptional “social mode.” Again, that doesn’t imply they don’t love you.
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Draw an X-Y graph with a straight horizontal line—that is the “time-relationship” graph for engineers. Once they confirmed their love for someone and vice versa, they simply continue on the path. They expect the level of feeling to be constant over time unless some trouble occurs. When they find the level make a sudden drop (e.g. you express your upset feeling), they think “Okay, there’s a problem, I need to figure out its cause and fix it.” They ask you why you’re upset, probe what you want from them and arrive at a solution such as “two phone calls a day, plus a special present,” which they believe, when followed, will restore the previous, nominal level. If they don’t notice any problem, they believe everything is okay, because, they don’t fix what ain’t broke. Therefore, it is imperative to let them know that a successful relationship needs periodic maintenance and upgrade, which they will incorporate into their scheduled tasks.
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A lot of engineers hold the load well up to a failure point, where they will snap. Don’t be naïve to believe that they love you simply because they seemingly listen to you and embrace your temper. They could be all nice and gentle to you to the failure point, at which they suddenly snap and declare that the relationship is over. When they accepted your temper, it is not because they swore they could accept whatever because they love you, but because they performed an internal calculation: “Can I put up with this? Okay. Is my feeling greater than the current load? Check. Accept.” But the load accumulates over time, and they will one day determine that the load exceeds their level of affection. They are quite good at such things, so the boundary is rather well-defined, which you should never underestimate.
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Give them lots of feedback, both negative and positive. When they receive a positive feedback, they remember it and repeat their action that led to it. When they receive a negative feedback that doesn’t hurt their feeling itself, they also remember it and stop their action that led to it. Use the feedback loop well.
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They may spend quite a bit on toys (e.g. car, camera, computer, sports and other otak activities); if left uncontrolled, it will destroy the household finance.
Conclusion: Although it takes time and effort to get used to their patterns and traits, engineer boyfriends/girlfriends are well worth the effort. They tend to follow you pretty well—as long as you make sure that you explain and persuade them with your demands; their emotion is generally stable and does not tend to change easily and spontaneously. They are recommended to those who want an emotionally cost-effective (…) and tunable boyfriend/girlfriend.
As a spouse, they are not bad at all. They tend to be diligent, they seldom go out on heavy drinking with friends or coworkers provided you allow them some toys, with which they will play quietly at home.
But engineer boyfriends/girlfriends are not recommended if you 1) don’t know exactly what you want, 2) find it hard to confront your boyfriend/girlfriend, 3) feel ashamed or narrow-minded to make demands, 4) want them to figure out everything for you, including your mood, 5) find a stable relationship boring, 6) want a constant proof of love or 7) want someone with a charisma to lead everyone else in the group.